just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
