this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
