i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
