we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
