Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
