Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
