i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
