I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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