I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
