soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
