What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
