I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
