if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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