Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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