so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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