Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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