I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
