I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
