I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
