He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
