Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
