I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
