Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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