I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
