Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
