just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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