my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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