i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
