Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
