I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
