Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize