He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
