Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize