wanna go halves on a baby?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
