so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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