your parents love me but you hate me
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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