Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
