please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
