Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize