You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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