I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize