You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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