I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
