rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
