i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
