This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
