let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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