I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
