I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
