Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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