I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize