Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
