so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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