The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
