I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
