i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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