So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
