The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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