Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
