Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
